I was chin deep in guilt. Everything that I did while I was separated from my husband felt lonely. It was just not possible to forget about him. Every selfish thought to be forever apart from him only echoed back at me, “go home, go home!”
There I was, in this dream world that I envisioned, riddled with nothing but guilt for leaving him, and remembering when I threatened that I might not ever come back home. I couldn’t shake it! Nothing that I did would drown out the constant noise of conviction. Nevertheless, like a determined swimmer, working against the tide, I pushed on, attempting to survive.
The thoughts of missing my husband were around every corner, and no matter how hard I tried to push him out of my mind, there were reminders of him. The days were long and the nights were lonely. The many things we used to do together were in the forefront of my mind. The reminders were even in the simple things that God revealed to me, like how my husband always opened doors for me, or brought me home my favorite salted caramel chocolates, or how he took me to my favorite restaurants for dinner, and last but not least, how he rubbed my feet for hours, even when he was exhausted from work.
God reminded me everyday of the life that I had back home. He kept asking me, “Have you had enough yet, or do you need to run farther down this painful road away from your husband ? I had to endure hearing the Holy Spirit convict me with the ever so faint whisper that I was in a place that I didn’t belong.
I had to begin to ask myself, “what in the world am I doing here?” “How did I get to this lonely place, far away from home?”
I noticed that no one really cared about me, protected me, or looked after my well-being, like my husband did when I was home. I realized that I took these things for granted. I noticed that everyone else in the world was only out for themselves. It was a dog-eat-dog world. Men were beginning to lust after me and hit on me. The enemy knew the door to destroy everything in my life was wide open. I became vulnerable prey, and openly invited the evil to come right in and destroy me.
For the first time, I realized that the leadership and protection of my husband were completely gone. I felt like I had to fight against the strong currents of my emotions to drown out the truth about how lost I was. At times, I felt my heart pounding rapidly, and felt like I couldn’t breathe … I knew that everything in my life had completely spiraled out of control. There was no one left to turn to, no one to support my chaotic way of life, and no one to console my lonely aching heart. I couldn’t help but think of how much I missed home.
I don’t know how many times I did think about my husband, before I finally broke down and made excuses to call him. The 3,000 miles of distance between us stood out in my mind like a neon sign, and finally made me think, “Oh God, what have I done?”
I felt foolish, and began thinking even more seriously about going home. I was not nearly as happy in this far away place as I dreamed I would be. As time went by, I became miserable. I tried to hide it, but the only thing I could hear were the constant convictions that what I was doing was totally wrong.
I tried to resist the convictions from the Holy Spirit for a while, but God was not about to let up on me, regardless of what my plans were, until I went back home. I felt like a ping pong ball, bouncing to and fro, and wondered what I should do. I was mixed up, and double-minded about the road I was on, but there was God always working over time, sending His messengers to speak to my heart, in one way or another, for me to go back home. In the lonely midnight hours, I began searching the Bible for the answers to my life, and as clear as day, so many verses in God’s Word had confirmed to me to “go home”.
From that very moment that I departed from my husband, I never really let go. Even though my words and actions were different, something from deep within me knew there was the binding power of a one-flesh relationship that couldn’t be denied.
I began to see the awfulness of bowing down to my selfish desires, and confessed my sins to God, asking for complete forgiveness. As I literally woke up out of a deep fog, I heard the sounds of heaven ring, and God asked me one last time … “Have you had enough yet?” “It’s time to go home.”
I was finally certain the words “go home” were resounding in my heart and mind for a very significant reason. I made a life- changing phone call to my husband to say with all of my heart, “I’m coming home to love you.”
Your prodigal will not come home until they suddenly:
See the awfulness of their sin.
Begin abhorring their past.
Make a confession to God, asking for complete forgiveness, and Commit their lives to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
May you continue to stand and pray, so that your prodigal will discover the Light that will lead them our of their fog, and come back home to love you.
“And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband. But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband” 1 Corinthians 7:19-11.