I left my husband and had no plans to ever come back. The idea of divorce had became idol worship. For decades, I thought about it, dreamed about it, justified it, and believed that once I divorced him all of my problems would disappear. I’d fantasize about the husband of my dreams, the “One” I always felt that I deserved. I was certain that he would have catered to my every whim for the rest of my life.
I was delusional and this imaginary man became so real to me that there was no way I could remain with my husband. I was married for over 20 years, but my mind was always somewhere far off in a distant place where I’d finally be happy. I found myself fantasizing more and more as the years went on. It was like a drug that kept me free from reality, but eventually I needed more than just the high from the fantasy, I needed to fulfill the desire.
There was simply no stopping me. I was filled with this desire to go live my dream life. Over the years, my husband tried to reach me. He tried to stop me, but I was on a mission to find the life that I had always dreamed of with someone else. I was sure Mr. Right was somewhere out there, and I was sure to find him just waiting for me with his arms wide open.
My dream man was the answer to my happiness and I was on a mission to find him. Although my husband tried to talk me out of it, nothing could stop me, no one could … but somewhere in the midst of the background there was always a whisper that something inside of me was very wrong. That didn’t seem to stop me either. I was too far gone and I could not stop unless my thirst for Mr. Right was satisfied.
My hunger for this imaginary man had become insatiable, and my desire for him was fueled with a wild passion for way too long. I was desperate to find him and longed for the day where we would finally join our lives together. I was convinced that God was sending me on this journey to find the man that he created just for me. I was sure the God I knew wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.
It wasn’t until I found myself over 3,000 miles away from my husband that it finally hit me …. I wasn’t where I belonged. There in the background was that faint whisper once again, reminding me to go back home. I told myself it was too late. I was too prideful and couldn’t admit that I was wrong. I had dreamed of this other life and didn’t want to let go.
As the months went on however, I couldn’t deny the small whisper echoing in my mind and it wouldn’t stop until I acknowledged the words “GO HOME.” I had no peace. I wrestled with something inside of me that I had avoided for as long as I could. I was tired from the never ending battle and wanted to know the truth no matter what it was.
It was only a year since I had come to Christ, and wanted desperately for Him to reveal the new me in a new life, but suddenly finding myself in a strange place, I knew I was deceived, and had gone way off course. I asked myself. “What am I doing here?” I literally woke up out of a trance lusting for another man, and what I saw was nothing but lies that led me far away from my husband.
So many verses from the Word of God wouldn’t stop ringing in my head. They called out for me to go back home. I kept asking God to show me the truth about marriage and divorce. The words deep in my heart began to enlighten my mind. It seemed a million words were crying out to my heart and soul, but were buried too deep to even acknowledge, until this time.
The still small voice inside of me was a faint reminder of the truth that I could no longer deny.
As I sat in silence, there was a subtle reminder of God’s words. I asked God to lay it all out, and to tell me again word for word the truth about marriage and divorce. I asked what would happen if I went through with this divorce that I so desired, and the words that I heard were ever so simple, but nothing before had ever resounded more truth in my heart.
It was there, in the silence of the chaos that it was made perfectly clear to me how much God hated divorce. I then proceeded to ask Him, “What would happen if I went through with it anyway?” The words rose from my heart saying, “This was not my plan from the beginning, and it is only because of your hard heart that you haven’t been able to love your own husband.” I said, “Yes, yes, you’re right Lord, I am no longer in love with my husband and that is why I need to divorce him!” But before I even took my next breath I heard, “You only want to divorce him to marry another and my point is that this is not the solution to your hardened heart. Furthermore, if you divorce your husband, and marry again while he is still alive, it will be an unlawful marriage, therefore you will be living with another man as an adulteress.”
It was no sooner that another simple and yet profound question arose from inside of me, “Do you want that?” I bowed my head and thought, “No Lord, I do not want that.” With this horrible thought another truth came to mind. I have two choices. I can either remain single or be reconciled to my husband. Something suddenly changed inside of me forever, as I surrendered my will and asked, “What do you want Lord?” He simply said, “Go home and be reconciled to your husband.”
It was from this point that I was certain of the truth and it was from this very moment that my obedience to God prompted me to call home and ask my husband if he would take me back. There was absolutely no hesitation … this was a long awaited moment in our lives!
The truth had finally set me free, and I was never more ready to go back home and reconcile to my husband for the rest of my life. It was on this day that peace surrounded me like a warm blanket … and there was no doubt the true meaning of a covenant marriage was the promise to love one another for a lifetime.
Mark 10: 2-12 King James Version (KJV)
And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him.
And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you?
And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.
And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.
But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter.
And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.