How do we react when our husbands have a need that we have the ability to fulfill, and yet, we do not want to satisfy it? Maybe when our husbands are in need, we make excuses that we are too tired, or we become irritable with them because we are inconvenienced and grumble under our breath, or are stressed from having overly busy schedules (which by the way, doesn’t ever allow room for God to work in our marriages).
When we become free of resentful and grumpy attitudes, we can gladly give to our husbands, and others. After all, what good is life if we never make room for the gift of giving, knowing that we are more blessed to give than receive (Acts 20:35).
Willingly Submitting to our husbands, and giving freely, makes us true servants of God … and develops something greater in us as women. As women, we are truly the heart of the home, and our families rely on us to give freely, without “demanding” things from them in return.
“The value of a man resides in what he gives and not what he is capable of receiving.” – Albert Einstein
I realized that the ability to give freely wasn’t something that I could do in my own strength … without becoming like a bitter old fruit from a time worn tree.
As a wife and a mother, there was nothing less satisfying, or more exhausting, than battling through life everyday, and striving in my own efforts without the strength of God. There were many days that I was at the point of having a major meltdown.
This was a time of my life when my marriage was struggling, I didn’t understand that successful marriages were based on a love that not only looks to their own personal interests, but looks to the best interest of others.
The evidence of love is found in seeing the needs of others, and doing whatever we can to meet them.If anyone is in need and we harden our hearts against them … love does not abide in us (1John 3:17) and most certainly not in our marriages.
God’s Will is not for us as wives to be hardhearted, stubborn, and outright rebellious against our husbands. These kinds of reactions are not wise decisions to make, and only causes our own hearts to break and our marriages to crumble.
There is always a cause and effect to any choice we make. We must learn to make responsible and healthy choices for ourselves, and our marriages, if the result that we are hoping for in the long run is going to be of value.
Thankfully, along the course of my faith-filled journey, God placed before me the opportunity to use my faith, and give more of myself to my husband, as well as others.
I knew deep within my heart that I was moving closer to the woman I yearned to be … as God’s love shed light upon my heart … and the darkness faded from my soul.
Your probably thinking because I have all of this great revelation of knowledge, that I must be “the perfect wife”… and really I’m not.
I don’t have half of what it takes to behave perfectly, but I have “The One” working inside of me who’s love is perfect, and as a child of God, I believe that am to be perfected in His everlasting love. Thankfully … God’s power is made perfect, even in my weak and embarrassingly selfish moments!
In no way is my husband the perfect mate either. (Notice I put that in big bold letters.)
It is not about expecting each other to be the perfect mate. Otherwise, we would only be led to believe that when one of has done something hurtful, that maybe someone else would be better suited for us, like a fantasy of the perfect (soulmate) that wouldn’t ever do anything to disappoint us. This is just an illusion of the ideal marriage.
Neither of us are perfect, but by the grace of God, we both have worked really hard at pleasing one another on a daily basis, to have the marriage we have today.
Let me be transparent- there were many days that I found myself whining on the inside about giving, and extending myself to my husband, when to be perfectly honest, I really didn’t want to. I’d rather have been doing something else … like getting a mani-pedi, but by this time, I was committed to love … and not selfishly indulging in just my own needs.I knew that making these changes inside of my heart were inevitable … if I wanted a happy and satisfying marriage
Over the past 25 years, I have finally discovered what has worked in my marriage, and would like the opportunity to finally share some of the key elements to having a successful marriage.
Here Are The Nine Key Points On Becoming … The Perfectly Suited Wife.
1. To be perfectly suited wives for our husbands, study them and adapt to their needs. To anticipate and discern what his needs are before he asks is a real way to show love for him. I can honestly say that after 25 years with the same man, there were many times that I already knew what he needed before he said it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I could read his mind, or that he even expected me to. It was my willingness to learn to know him that made me sensitive to his needs, so that he didn’t have to constantly ask me for things I already knew would please him. For instance, after so many years of knowing his daily habits, I knew that he did not like dirty dishes left in the sink. Because I took the time to observe this about him, I already knew that he didn’t ever leave dirty dishes in the sink. Even though a dish or two left in the sink didn’t bother me, I cleaned them anyway, because I knew a clean sink pleased him. It may seem like this isn’t a big deal, but even if there is something simple our spouse prefers, it’s an easy opportunity to show them we care.
2. Disregard for our husband’s needs is in no way being a respectful wife. I help many woman to better their relationships with their husbands. I never fall for it when they act as if they haven’t a clue what is pleasing, and what isn’t to their husbands after years of marriage. It is just a pure disregard for their husband’s interests because they have allowed themselves to reach the point of resentment. We should instead step in faith, and regard our husbands as the most important person we know.
3. Have respect for husbands, knowing this is the most essential need of a man. Women who have respect for their husbands actually get it. They understand that this is the key to their husband’s heart. To admire our husbands, and look up to them with trust in our hearts, is what makes them aspire to be better husbands for us. After all, shouldn’t we trust the husbands that we said “I Do” to with all of our hearts?
4. Get rid of the attitude that he is incapable of even tying his own shoes! After all, they did make decisions just fine on their own before we met them. When it comes to our husbands making decisions for the marriage, and the family, we may not always agree with them. You could state your case and ask them to reconsider, and if there is still a disagreement, allow them to have the final say in the matter without that grumpy scowl on your face, and with a confident attitude, give it to God. There is nothing more that turns a man off than a pushy wife that believes he is inadequate or incapable of making wise decisions. As we trust in their decisions, they realize that we have confidence in them (this is what spells respect for a man). It is from this point forward that they are no longer threatened, or on the defense, and welcome our input in order to make the decisions together.
5. Allow husbands to take responsibility as the head of the home, and if their decisions flop, encourage them to do better next time. A husband and a wife is not a competition over who wins or loses over the final decisions. Take your Godly position ladies, because God’s plan is better than our own. Following God’s plan for our marriages is how to win! Hopefully, our husbands have already earned being trustworthy of loving us, so we should stop trying to control his final decisions if we are not in agreement. Give him the headship position that he was designed to have by “God.” Taking the authority of making our “own” decisions is not the commitment of two people coming together as one. If there is a disagreement, someone in the marriage has to be the deciding factor. This is the purpose of our husbands being the head of the home. We no longer make our own decisions without considering our spouses, because we know that everything we do affects one another. We are not only to consider our own interests, but the best interests of one another. Wake up call …we are no longer free wheeling single people who make decisions on our own, without first considering how it affects our spouses. This is what the commitment of love actually is in a marriage. As a final note, if you cannot respectfully agree with your husband, than why did you marry him in the first place? He cannot force you to agree with him, but just as you weren’t forced down the aisle to say “I Do” you must be willing to walk this journey in harmony together.
6. Take treating husbands with respect seriously, just as seriously as we have the need to be understood, and loved as wives. I know that some of you may even be cringing at the thought of giving respect to your husbands at this point. We can all lead ourselves to believe that after all of the disappointment that we have endured, it is enough of an excuse to justify being resentful towards them. Well, yes…but only if we want to remain miserably married, and brokenhearted. We need to take control of ourselves, and use a positive approach that will empower us not to ever lose ourselves to resentment.
7. We must be willing to make the decision within our hearts not to grow cold and resentful for ANY reason. If God is for us, who can be against us, will he not graciously give us all things (Romans 8:31-32). All things means ALL, ALL, ALL, not half, not three quarters, but ALL things! Even a blessed marriage!
8. We will not become resentful of our husbands (or anyone else), when we have faith that everything we need ultimately comes from God (Phil 4:19). When our husbands act like the biggest goofballs, and sometimes fail to meet our needs … don’t worry … God fills in the gaps. Our husbands aren’t perfect, but God’s love always is. This mindset will allow our husbands to make mistakes without the unreasonable expectations of our husbands being perfect. However, God also states that our words have power, so if our husbands are denying our needs on a regular basis, than we should use our words to express our heart’s desires, before we become resentful for denying ourselves of having a need. We cannot blame our husbands because we have denied ourselves of a need that we haven’t even expressed to them. Once they have been made aware of our desires, it is their job is to love us with attentiveness (as long as we do not make them slaves to never-ending and unsatisfied needs). This is a problem of dissatisfaction that no man on earth could ever solve.
9. It takes ongoing faith and trust in God to give freely. We are simply not free to give under the chains of self-protection (like when we aren’t feeling appreciated, or feel mistreated in some way), but things can change with a shift of our perspective. We must be passionate and committed to living for the Godly values that we believe in our hearts, rather than relying on an emotion that may not even be truthful. We must have the conviction to finally change as Godly women, and we must pray for God’s grace to allow us the freedom to love unconditionally!
We will only be empowered to grow stronger as the grace of God pours upon our hearts … and we love like never before.