Bitterness was on a rampage and there was just no way to hide it anymore. The hundred foot walls that I built to protect myself from any disappointments had turned my heart into stone. I had become the official ice queen. I was so done with the idea that my marriage would ever be what I wanted, so there was just no use in even trying to warm my heart … because it was no longer hot for my husband.
It was on the dreadful day when my daughter had run away from home that I saw myself for the first time, and the destructive choices that I was making for way too long. I was in complete denial, until the magnitude of my daughter’s run away hit me with such fright that I was led back to the Lord.
It was on this day that our lives would change forever. I was led on a journey that took me by complete surprise.
Up until this time, I had absolutely no plans on changing myself or the things that were destroying my marriage. I was convinced that my unhappiness was all about my distant relations with my husband. After all, in my mind he was the cause of it all. I believed that if only he would change, I could finally be happy with my life. But as I journeyed with God, I learned that this was the furthest thing from the truth.
My critical judgements of him had led me to a place of entitlement. I blamed, criticized, and demanded for him to love me, when I wasn’t the least bit willing to see myself, and to change my ways. I thought that I married the man of my dreams, but he was just not living up to my standards. I felt ripped off, like I deserved more. It seemed that I felt more and more entitled to behave with disrespect because he was not responding to my list of demands.
I had become completely bitter to defend that I was somehow not feeling loved. In the back of my mind, if he wasn’t going to do whatever I wanted, then I was not going to respect or honor him at all. As a matter a fact, I was going to make sure that I made his life miserable. I was going to make him pay for my disappointments one way or another.
I stonewalled him for years of our marriage, I put him down with words that cut like a knife, like he was despicable … and I just couldn’t stand the very sight of him. In my mind, I had a list of things that he would have to do to make me happy, but every time he tried I rejected his efforts. They just weren’t good enough in my mind. He didn’t stand a chance, because by this point, I was just miserable by the poisoned thoughts of him for decades of my life.
I thought that protecting myself like a pit bull was the only way to stick up for myself. I thought it was the only way to get what I wanted to be loved. As I journeyed with God however, I realized this was all a big lie in my head and this was as well the furthest thing from the truth. By this point, I was completely lost. I had no idea who I was anymore because I was so bitter, cold, and mean spirited inside. I was only making matters worse by the choices to be someone that I wasn’t in Gods eyes. This was by continually disrespecting my husband, as a way to try to empower myself in some strange manner.
Over time, as things only continued to get worse between us, I felt compelled to reflect back over the years of our marriage. I realized that I never had any idea how to speak or act from a place of truth and respect to have the loving response from my husband that I truly wanted. I needed to feel cherished and loved for who I truly was, but my resentfulness just drove us further and further apart over time. The poor and bitter example that I portrayed had led our daughter to disappear from our lives. Every disrespectful act of bitterness had a rippled affect that caused my family’s lives to come undone.
It wasn’t until I faced these truths about myself that I could break the cycles that had destroyed all of us with one disrespectful word at a time. As I spent many moments of solitude with God, I began to feel an internal shift inside. I had an overwhelming desire to change my life, by changing the behaviors that led us to be estranged from each other. I wanted more than anything to finally have a better life, and to be able to wake up and like myself again.
Everyday, I saturated myself for many hours in God’s Word, and prayed for guidance. I finally brought myself to step out in faith with my role as the virtuous wife. I changed my everyday choices by choosing my words according to the truth, and began respected my husband as the appointed leader of our home. I allowed God change my heart in the hopes that it would save my soul and my marriage. Yes, I was going to become the submissive wife, even if it killed me in the process.
I couldn’t deny that as I continued to study the Word, and built my personal relationship with God, my heart softened, and my bitter and rebellious attitude began to dissipate. As I became this gentle woman, and began showing my husband respect and honor, my marriage began to change almost instantly! My husband was suddenly drawn towards my graciousness and my feminine ways.
It was like a veil of darkness was lifted, as I saw my husband for the first time through the eye’s of a gracious God. I actually felt that twinkle in my eyes and a love welling up inside of my heart that I had never felt before. It was truly a miracle how my faithful steps of obedience to the Word of God gave me a completely new heart for my husband. Although, I will admit that it took a bit of whining to hand my will completely over to God, but with every step that I took, God gave me the grace to become this Godly woman that finally won my the heart of my husband.