It had taken years of bitterness on my part to get to this miserable place between us. I could no longer even sit in the same room with my husband. The silence of having nothing left to say was deafening. We just sat, staring at one another wondering what in the world we could ever do. So many thoughts entered my mind. Did we need to move on with our lives in a different direction?
Every thought led me to believe there was no hope. It was like my worst nightmare unfolding before my very eyes. Oddly, I began envisioning circling the letter”D” for divorced on every form of identity from this day forward. Could I really be that same single woman I once was long ago, before I met my husband? Somehow, deep inside my heart, it didn’t seem so. I was indeed still Mrs. Remy no matter what.
I thought long and hard about divorce. For decades I worked these nasty grooves deep into my mind, until it was all I could see. It was all happening on the inside of me, that constant war between my spirit and soul. I thought I couldn’t escape it, unless I filed for divorce. It circled around and around until the room spun out of control and my heart ached for something more. The pressure of my awful thoughts were so pent up, I felt as if I would explode.
My thoughts had finally taken over, there was just no other way out of this misery in my mind. My emotions turned cold, as I built walls around myself from feeling anything at all. Until one day, it happened. I blurted out that I wanted a divorce. I made my mind up and there was no turning back. I was going to find another life that brought me far more happiness and to take care of myself once and for all. Over the years, I came up with a million negative excuses for why I could no longer love my husband. The endearing love I once had for him was long gone … and I thought for good.
My emotions were leading me right out the door, but the way I felt had become nothing more than my idol god. I worshipped the way I felt, until I could no longer go on. I convinced myself my marriage was unreconcilable and made the decision it was time to move on. My husband was not at all on the same page as I was, and longed for our love once more. He knew the voices in my mind where nothing more than lies from an unreliable source. Unlike myself at the time, he was a born again Christian who knew the voice of God. He knew he had to be the leader that would draw my heart back to God. Even though I was certain that I knew what I wanted, my husband knew better and expressed the truth about how much he loved me and would forever more.
It didn’t matter to me though, no one was going to stop me from the path that I was on. I was convinced that he was all wrong. I looked him in straight the eyes with such a sneer and screamed for a divorce once more. He didn’t buckle or cower, he looked me straight in my eyes and said, “I know the real you is in there and what your saying isn’t true, but I will let you divorce me in a year if that’s still what you decide you want to do. We both sat there in this hurtful moment and I said, “Ok, I agree to those terms and will wait a year before I file for a divorce, but I want to separate to find my dreams and they are not with you at all.” He agreed and said. “I never stopped you from living for your dreams, I always supported whatever you wanted, so I don’t know why you have to run from me to do so.” I didn’t really know either, only that My life and our marriage wasn’t at all what I dreamed it would be and I believed that my happiness was just not possible unless I left him, and so I left with little to no hopes of returning to this marriage ever again.
My husband had to let me go. He made it clear that it was not what he wanted, nor did he believe this was God’s will, but he wasn’t going to control my decisions. He stated the truth and let God be God from that point on. He went on with his life. There was nothing more he could do but to watch me go and leave the door wide open for my return.
It was not long after I realized that without him, I felt a profound loss. This was a major part of my life that was left undone. I knew deep down inside that I had unfinished business and moving on with my life was virtually impossible to do. I wanted so badly to be happy without him, but I was still that same broken miserable person, even though we were more than 3,000 miles apart. But I could no longer blame him, I was on my own … and more miserable than ever before.
I tried desperately to suppress the feeling of missing him. I thought I just had to give it time and adjust. As time went on however, I prayed to God more and more, and there amongst all of the hurt was a knowing that no one could take the place of my husband, no matter how bad things were. We never really had the chance to work things out the right way because I was too wrapped up thinking he was always at fault. I failed greatly to do my part, but suddenly a desire rose from my heart to allow God to finish what was meant to be from the start.
I kept seeing that God wasn’t in agreement with my idea to end our marriage in divorce. He kept reminding me that I never gave our marriage a chance to bring us into His glory. So I gave God a fair chance for once and began heeding to His voice more and more. I listened intently and heard the same words… GO BACK HOME. It wasn’t long after, that I kept hearing God’s voice with this resounding sound of conviction, asking me to return to my husband, and to love, honor and respect him with all of my heart. For he was the only man on this earth that could love me, even after all the damage that I had done. He was a man of integrity, a man who stood on his word … and he vowed to love me for better or for worse.
Although at first I had no idea how things could ever be everything I ever dreamed it would be, I did step in faith and act in obedience to the Lord. It was only a few months after I left home that I did finally return, and this time it was for good. This time, I jumped in with both feet because God had given me a heart that was ready to love my husband, and for the very first time, I was finally at peace, in a place where I belonged.