I was broken. I may not have been fully aware of the extent of my brokenness, but I had come to a point where I could no longer go on living (or not living) the way that I was. I was completely disconnected from my own reality. Most of the time living in sheer fantasy, just to escape from my life. Just to escape from the pain inside my heart.
What was this pain? Where was it coming from? Why did it torture me relentlessly … day in and day out? I really couldn’t get to the bottom of it, and my life felt as cold as ice. When was there going to be one real moment when someone truly understood the way that I was feeling? I didn’t know, but I prayed for someone to come into my life to know the depths of my soul. To be able to reflect my thoughts back to me, as if they knew me all along.
My husband and I were on separate pages, trying to just get along. How lonely it was trying to become one, and yet not knowing how we could agree on anything at all. It was emotionally destructive to both of us, never agreeing on anything, and many times not respecting each other’s needs, just living as if we were better off on our own.
Year after year we lived under the same roof, but our hearts marched to a different drum. He went his way and I went mine, never knowing how to solve our problems. Any attempted discussion between us always turned volatile and only made matters worse. Our minds led us to believe that we were better off alone, because it was much more painful to look into the eyes of the one you love and feel nothing at all. We were left with awkward stares, and in the silence of two people who were desperate to open our hearts. Our distant thoughts broke us two.
Somehow, I felt like I was never enough for myself and too much for him. Does that even make any sense? If I talked too much it seemed over bearing, if I didn’t talk at all I was distant and cold. When I kept the conversation light just to be likable, it wasn’t intimate at all.
We couldn’t change one another, and could only change to love one another to a point. Then there was the gap between us that only the grace of God could fill to make us one. This was when I realized that God had to be included to make us whole. There was a plan bigger than what we had originally thought, and we learned that we couldn’t control the things that were out of our control.
Where did this leave us? It left us yearning more for God. To let him lead us … to step out in faith, and learn how to love one another beyond anything that was visible to us. To trust in the bigger plan, in the not yet here, and the yet to come. It was a plan that we could have never thought of on our own.
Faith doesn’t walk by sight, nor by any of our natural senses, just in trust alone. Our joy in one another became a place that included faith in God. I knew our relationship was evolving into a whole new realm. This was a place we had never been before, and a place that brought us both closer to God. A place where we could rest in Him for the details of our marriage instead of making up our own.
I had finally come to a place where I felt accepted and understood for who I was. I didn’t have to struggle to be heard anymore. I knew in my heart that God had a plan all along and was certain my husband and I were on the right path. We trusted in Him because He was the One who knew us all along. He was the One with the plan before we were ever born.
It was when we finally opened our hearts to God that the outpouring of the Holy Spirit filled our hearts and changed our lives forever. It was only then that we discovered a truly profound love for one another. A love that fulfilled us in it’s divine purpose for all of God’s glory, because we had never given up on each other.
For it is only those of us who are willing to push through the tough times, who will ever know the blessings of a love that lasts for a lifetime.