I had to come clean about many things in my life. Deep down inside, I knew things weren’t right in my heart. I wanted a change in my life for many years, but denied that I was ever the problem because I believed my husband was.
I knew all along that my heart was bitter and hardened from many years of resentment, but I believed that I had every right to react out of this spiteful nature because of my husband’s behaviors. I was so disappointed because I had dreamed of a far better life, and I thought that I had to blame my husband for my unhappiness. It’s really hard to admit this, but it was almost to the point where I hated him for so many of my own disappointments!
By this time, I had absolutely no positive feelings left for him. But deep down, I knew if I hated him so much, I wouldn’t have invested over twenty years with him. I knew that he was a good man. I may have disliked many things that he chose to do, but I didn’t really hate him.
I’m not saying that God didn’t need to do some changing in his heart too, but that was only something my husband could decide if ever he wanted to change. I had no control over his attitude, only my own. When I finally realized this, I was relieved of trying to control the things that I couldn’t change about him, so that I could focus on changing myself.
I had to accept that I needed to change my attitude in order to heal inside. As I began to change my focus from my husband, and onto God and my life, I was finally able to focus on doing more things that I actually liked doing … instead of pouting around the house all day long. Wow! This became complete emotional FREEDOM from all of the drama between us. I could actually love him without all of the chaos, because of all of the personal changes that I was making in my life.
All of my nagging, complaining, arguing, and criticism that I was filled with when he walked into the room finally stopped. I realized that retaliating just to get what I wanted was no longer a battle that I wanted to fight. I became aware that my behaviors only added fuel to the fire. It seemed I did these things just to provoke him to reject me all the more!
I could no longer pray away the winds, when I knew that I was the cause of the storms. It was finally time to take responsibility for my life, and stop blaming my husband for my own bitterness inside my heart. I wanted a clean slate and a clear conscience to be able to speak from a place of love. To finally communicate without the sharp words from my tongue, and live together in peace and harmony. I wanted changes inside of me that spoke profoundly of who I really was. There was a place inside my heart that wanted this positive change more than ever before!
It was finally time to address the poisonous resentment that was only driving me further into misery, preventing me from liking myself, and loving my husband for who he really was. I had really done myself in physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was about as low as I wanted to go, and suddenly, it became almost instinctive to just look up and start praying to God about how I could change, rather than asking God to change everyone else.
Yes, I rebooted my mind … the world no longer had to revolve around me anymore. I was on a mission to make many changes inside and out with the help of God, and then off I went, deep into the darkness of my heartache.
The truth was that I had to face someone I really didn’t like. I had to look into the mirror to see the reflection of a woman I did not want to be anymore … and that woman was a frightening sight to see.
Facing myself for the first time was like waking up from a bad dream, but was the harsh reality of my life. Except that in this moment with God, I didn’t feel ashamed anymore. He showed me a love inside of my heart that accepted me just the way I was. I could stop hiding from shame, finally accept that I had flaws, had made many mistakes, and could stop acting like I was perfectly fine, when really I was a mess inside.
I had to admit that my life had fallen into the deep cracks of my own destruction, but in this moment that I reconnected to God’s love, I had this profound sense that I was precious in His eyes. This perspective opened up places in my heart that I had never been before. I began treating myself with esteem, and valuing that I had more of a purpose than what I had ever dreamed of. Suddenly, I had this flood of hope in my future. I knew that all of the bitterness and resentment had no place for a woman like me anymore.
I realized my husband’s faults were my only focus because I was so unsatisfied with myself. Everything he did annoyed me because I was short-fused, frustrated, and miserable inside. My entire outlook on life had gone sour, and I took it all out on him like wild fire. My expectations FAR exceeded his right to be human and make mistakes. I had somehow, made him out to be my God, and was greatly disappointed that he didn’t make a very good one at all.
What a very long and painful road that I had to travel to finally find my way back to God, but I don’t believe I am the only woman who has ever been so bitter and broken, who found the faith to finally face these chilling truths about herself.