The Road Back To Me

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was in control. Well, I was in control alright, of everything but myself. I made sure that I told my husband just how it was going to be. I put my own two cents in whenever I could. I was so busy telling him how to think, how to feel, what to wear, and practically how he should tie his own shoes. I didn’t realize just how disrespectful and belittling this behavior really was. Not to mention how annoying it must’ve been to be treated more like a kid, rather than a man.

I criticized and poked fun of him at every opportunity, just to show who was boss. It was in front of our children, extended family, friends, and co-workers. It really didn’t matter to me how much I was hurting my husband. I just wanted to make sure that I was in control, even at the cost of his manhood.

I kept telling myself that my way was perfect, and it was my right to be in control of everything that he did. “It was my way or the highway.” I was so intent on bending him, until he would finally cave.

In my opinion, I was always right, and he was always wrong. I was so busy judging him, that I forgot to look at myself.

The truth was that I was petrified to turn the tables and see the real me. The fear behind my control was really the fear of facing the ugliness of who I had become.

The more that I focused on blaming him, the more lost I became. Eventually, I was all consumed with bitterness and rage. It poisoned both of our hearts, and destroyed the love in our souls.

I didn’t know back then that my behavior was just a cover up, and an escape from ever being brave enough to change anything about myself.

I didn’t realize that the more I was hurting him, the more intent I was on avoiding myself, and the more I felt my own soul sickened pain.

By the time I realized that I was in great need of change, we were both at odds, and completely estranged. There were years of damage standing in front of me. The only thing left was the dimly lit shadow of the women I used to be.

Suddenly, I found myself disliking this woman I had become, and wanted desperately to find the road back to me.

So many years of hurt and pain stood between us, it seemed like it was impossible to defeat.

There was only one thing left to do. It was to finally stop judging and criticizing my husband, and allow God to do a work inside of me with His amazing grace.

I really didn’t know how time had slipped away with so much of my resentment, and all I knew how to do was to play the martyr role and the victim.

Finally, I had enough of my own bitter behavior, and I began to reflect upon my life. I had to admit to myself that I spent decades obsessively blaming my husband, without any good reasons to do so. It was as if I woke up from this nightmare, and saw a gruesome picture of our lives … it was nothing like what I had dreamed it would be.

I justified my icky behaviors, because he wasn’t the “perfect man” that I wanted him to be. My pride only got in the way of loving him, and I wound up more and more unhappy with myself everyday.

To be perfectly honest, I blamed my husband for my unhappiness. I wanted him to pay for the fact that I had become so addicted to fixing him, that I wasn’t really living.

With no place left to turn, I finally faced myself. I realized the woman that I had been displaying was a complete disgrace.

Beyond any doubt, there was no time left for me to waste. It was time for me to start living the life that God gave me … for it was finally time to change…

Sometimes, it seems easier to blame others, instead of really looking inside our hearts to find the REAL problem. It’s not easy to accept that we too can be the cause of someone else’s pain, when we have so much of our own. The past is still very real to us, when we haven’t let go of what has hurt us deep into our core. We only carry around all of our pain, until we finally explode. I know this, because I lived my life having to control others, so that no one could ever hurt me again. But the truth is that we can never control anyone else … only ourselves, and the life we choose to live.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2).

Thank you for following my journey. Maybe some of you may identify with my story. I would love to read any comments that you may have. 💕

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