There are many women who believe that it takes two people in a relationship to ever be able to connect, but I have experienced firsthand this isn’t always a fact. I believe that it is far more common for change to occur in a relationship when the one person noticing the lack of connection, and the need for change, is courageous enough to initiate it within themselves. The many changes that I had begun within myself had the ability to change how I related to my family and others. The decision to resolve my own issues was pivotal for repairing my relationships. As a result, many of the previous troubles in my relationships were resolved and they began changing for the better.

I found as I deepened my relationship with God, it deepened my love for my husband, children, and others. This type of love is called agape love, it was not based on the conditions of what I wanted, or expected from them, but only on what I could do personally to serve God on their behalf. Having the ability to love others, even at their worst, initiated the necessary changes needed in my relationships. I worked on doing my part to love others unconditionally and wound-up reaping what I sowed in all instances.

One way or another, the connections in your relationships can change for the better when you make positive changes in your character. God commands us to obey Him and trust in His promises for this very reason. The changes in you will have the power to influence others (including your husband and children) and may win them over to Christ at the same time.

Examples of Common Reasons for Broken Relationships:

• Lack of Faith. Prayer has no power without faith, and faith is an essential ingredient to restore any broken relationship. Even Jesus was powerless to perform any miracles in Nazareth because of the people’s lack of faith (Mark 6:1-6). James calls the one who doubts “like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does”. (James 1:6-8). The word double-minded speaks of a condition where a person is emotionally divided, and wavering in mind, almost as if he has a split personality and makes a person unable from receiving God’s blessings. To mend a broken relationship, you must strengthen your faith in Gods ability to do it, and in your ability to change what you can.

• Disobedience. When we grow in our relationship with the Lord, we become strong people of prayer and learn to obey His Word. This helps us in our relationship with God and with others. However, when our mouths profess that we believe, but our actions do not back up that belief with a strong display of obedience, it shows a weakness in our beliefs. Obedience should be a natural outgrowth of faith in God. When we obey God, we learn to trust Him, and surrender our own will to His. Our actions become an expression of a living faith. Godly actions improve relationships as they are natural expressions of love. Our deeds are the fruit that grows from one who is obedient to God’s commands and transformed by His mercy and grace.

• Unforgiveness. Matthew 6:14-15 says “For if you forgive anyone who sins against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive anyone of their sins, your father will not forgive you of your sins.” Forgiving and being forgiven are inseparable twins. We must not expect to be forgiven by God if we do not do the same for others. Mark 11:25 says “Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” If someone has asked you for forgiveness, but you continue to hold a grudge against them, you have violated God’s law. 

• Wrong Motives. Healthy relationships should be based on the motives (gifts) of the Holy Spirit. When our motives in prayer are not pure but selfish, our prayers have no power. When we ask for selfish things, or for things that are not in Gods will, He will not hear our prayers.  James 4:3 says, “When you ask, you do not receive because you have the wrong motives.”

• Disregard for Others. One of the benefits of prayer is that it helps us to have compassion and love for others. This builds the best relationships. It is impossible to pray for a person from a place of hatred or harsh judgement. Prayer breeds love and compassion for others.

Actions Steps for Repairing Relationships:

• Take the first steps of faith to begin to reconcile your valuable relationships.
• Use the Word of God as the final authority in your life.
• Pray for guidance in every step throughout the reconciliation process.
• Emphasize the positive changes in yourself and in others, de-emphasize the negative.
• Be merciful, forgiving, and have compassion for other people.
• Take personal inventory of anyone that you may have hurt and apologize.
• Exercise the fruits of the Holy Spirit with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
• Make sure the injuring person (whether it is you or the other person) acknowledges the pain created by their actions and shows a sign of remorse, and takes accountability for their actions, to begin to rebuild the relationship. Remember that we cannot force anyone to be remorseful in order to change.
• Communicate your needs and give the opportunity for others to respond to them.
• Listen to their needs and be responsive to them.
• Drop misplaced expectations.  

Conclusion:

There are rarely quick solutions to any problem you are facing in your life. It has probably taken you many years of making bad choices to get to the messy place that you have ended up in, and you cannot expect to restore everything in a single day. Restoring your life and your relationships takes faith in God, concerted effort, and time to build a solid foundation. It is a process that requires both accurate understanding and appropriate application of God’s principles to undo every area of chaos in your life.

Most women want to know how to build healthy relationship connections, especially with their husbands, but are too busy only thinking of themselves and expecting things to go their way. This is not a healthy perspective. Although our husband’s attentiveness can be an addition to our lives, it is not the sole basis for building a connection together. God has a different view on how a relationship can be strengthened. Mastering our roles as wives is the most essential part of our walk with God to begin building a connection with our husbands. Yes, ultimately building a family, sharing intimate experiences together, interests, goals, and dreams, finding hobbies, being committed and invested, listening to one another, cherishing one another, gaining respect, understanding, and exploring life together are all part of the goal. We all desire healthy relationships with our husbands and children, but first we must remove the barriers by resolving our own issues which are pivotal for repairing and rebuilding our family relationships. 

To sum it up, we can accomplish the art of connection by intentionally turning towards God for creating opportunities to love our husbands and children. As we grow individually in our relationship with God, it will undoubtably reveal obstacles deterring us from building genuine connections. Selfishness, which is at the top of the list of poor qualities, never allows for any relational connection to be nourished or thrive. So, we must look within ourselves for the purpose of discovering our own dysfunctional way of interaction as a cause of disconnection. Spiritual growth is a job for wives as individuals. When we as wives grow spiritually, by allowing ourselves to focus on our vertical relationship (individual relationship with God), we lay a foundation for our horizontal relationship (between husbands and wives) to fulfill our desire for intimacy and connection.

I encourage you to continually pray and ask God to reveal how you can become more aware of growing in your role to nurture a deeper connection in your family relationships. You will experience peace, love, and a fountain of blessings.

Heart of a Wife,

Jeannie Remy

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