I was the prodigal, the one on the run. I wanted desperately to break free from my marriage, I was officially done! I felt like I was suffocating, like I couldn’t breath. I wanted to leave it all behind and never look back again. I treated my marriage as if it were worthless, as if it never happened in the first place … as if to erase it all and make it go away. My plan was to move on and finally be free to do what I wanted with my own life, to independently search for myself amongst the world.
I had premeditated divorce in my head for decades. I imagined what it would be like to live the life that I desired with another man who understood me for who I was, the only problem was that this man I was dreaming of would have had to have been as perfect as God because I was empty inside and wanted him to fill me up and satisfy my deepest desires. I was in fact void of God and void of my purpose as a godly wife and mother. So no matter what my husband ever did for me it was never good enough. I felt that I was never good enough and was broken from the inside out.
I listened to the enemy’s lies in my head about my husband for so many years, and as my imagination drew this tainted picture of him, he became someone that I eventually despised. As a matter a fact, in my mind he wasn’t at all the man of my dreams and the grass was always greener on the other side. I’d dream up this perfect soul mate that fulfilled my every worldly desire, and the deeper I dug this destructive hole to hell the more shallow and hardhearted I had become. Over the years, the spirit of Jezebel had become my idol god. I mean I was identical to this spirit of manipulation and control. I was set out to control my husband’s every move, like tell him just how to tie his own darn shoes.
However, as we went through the many phases in our marriage of troubled roads, never did my husband waver in his conviction to finally lead us to a place of peace, love and joy. No matter how evil my actions were, he led me by his godly example alone. He knew that trying to control me would have been just as bad as what I was trying to do to him all along. He had to let go and pray for me to ultimately seek God. He had to trust that he had no power to change me, and it was all up to myself and God. He had finally come to the end of his rope. He knew it was time to let go, to hand our marriage over to God. He watched as I distanced myself further from his love … and he knew he did all that he could do.
I will never forget it because my spirit sensed that my husband was freeing me to make my own decisions and learn the lessons that God had in store. That suffocating feeling had finally gone. I had control over my life and could choose what I thought I wanted. There was no longer anything standing in my way or stopping me from what I wanted to do. It was however, from this point forward that finding my own way was eventually the road to led me back home.
I immediately sensed that I was on my own, and the leadership, protection, and provision that I had taken for granted was also gone. It was a moment of revelation. I was about to walk away from someone who loved me so much more than I realized, but the rebellious spirit inside of me wasn’t ready to submit to my husband in any way, shape, or form.
I suppressed any thought that would stop me from leaving home and of course it was for this imaginary man, where else did you think I was going? Along the different phases of this journey however, God’s soft whisper began speaking louder and louder to my heart. It was that earlier revelation showing me that I was leaving something behind that was a once in a lifetime kind of love. This was indeed the seed that was sown into my heart and I couldn’t erase it from my mind.
Regardless, I was leaving anyway, and as far as I could possibly go…
My husband knew that letting go meant to truly let me go, and meanwhile to continue his life with faith, hope, and joy … as he awaited my return. Even though I didn’t admit to this back then, a part of me was hoping that the kind of godly love he had in his heart for me would never give up hope. I knew if anything this was the kind of love that would give him the strength to endure these trials we were going through, while I sorted things out with God.
Things looked real bad, even worse than before once I was finally gone, but the good news was that even though it may have appeared worse for my husband, God was speaking to my heart all along. He kept showing me that I was searching my relationship with Him first and foremost. I spent the months apart from my husband saturating myself in the word of God and for this period of separation, my husband allowed God alone to fill my voids and heal my soul.
God worked in my heart without any interruptions. I was able to build my faith and began discovering my identity in Christ. I also began discovering that apart from my husband, I was way off base! The veil of deception was lifted from my face and I was able to see the sinful life from which I lived. As the truth came to light more and more, I was shocked at where I found myself. I was mixed up in some kind of demonic trance, realizing that I was so far gone from who I really was as a wife. I had been on the run from our Lord and Saviour and was totally lost and broken.
While finding myself in this far away land, and far from my husband, I was in the midst of this excruciating pain of our one flesh union broken in two. It was in this moment that I felt my true heart’s desire fill me with a yearning to reunite with my husband. I spoke with him and asked if I could return home, trying to explain the miracle of this renewed woman that I had become. I did’t know if he would believe I was truly repentant, but without any hesitation he got on an airplane to swoop me up and bring me back home.
It was then I began realizing that no matter how far away I ever was from home, my spirit was connected to my husband’s. I had truly experienced this spiritual union in the profound works of God … and I knew there was nothing but death that could separate us because we were supernaturally joined together as one.