Create In Me A Clean Heart

I had plummeted down this long dark hole and finally hit rock bottom. I sat there alone in this dark place wondering how I got there. I felt so alone and distanced from the ones that I loved. I had no idea how I would get myself out of this desolate place.

Everything in my life stood still in this moment. Up until this time, I had been running, but as time stood still, I watched my life flash before my very eyes, and didn’t recognize the woman that I had become. I was face to face with myself and a stranger to my own soul.

I watched as the movie theater in my mind played out the horror scenes of my family’s lives falling apart. I was shocked that my heart had been hardened for so long that I didn’t see the walls beginning to crack, until they had come tumbling down. This was the day that my daughter had runaway and disappeared from our lives. It was there that I sat amongst the shattered remains of the family we once were.

There was no where left to turn in this shadow of darkness, and I had no idea what to do next, but to turn to God. This was where the miracle happened … I was finally ready to meet with God. It was the moment where I knew that I couldn’t continue to bear the weight of my life alone. I needed a new strength, and the kind of hope that surpassed my own will to just get by … no, that wasn’t good enough anymore. It had to be God’s will, or I’d never survive.

By this point, I was completely numb, and I really didn’t know which way was up. I only knew that as I sat in the deafening silence of the room where my daughter once was, God was right there to hold me in the presence of His love.

With nowhere left for me to hide from this shadow of darkness, I prayed to God and saw the light. I have searched for words to describe what took place in this moment for me, and there are simply none that could adequately give reverence to such a moment, other than it was the grace of God.

Overwhelmed by my despair, and in the lowest, most weakest moment of my life … I was suddenly aware of a strength of the highest magnitude. I was lifted from the gloom of this dark place, given a glimpse of a bright future, and the promise of recovery for my family … Oh, what a magnificent vision of hope!

This wasn’t just any kind of hope, like hopefully things would get better. No, this was the kind of hope placed into the heart of my soul. Suddenly, I saw my life in a new light, and had a conviction so strong that I was forever transformed. What once was so vacant and empty inside of me was filled with the omnipresence of God.

I still to this day get the chills every time I go back to this unexplainable moment, as all I simply did was open my heart to God and say, “Father I am so sorry, forgive me for all of the trouble that I have caused.” And there He was … just waiting for me all along. He had never left my side.

This gave my life new meaning and the will to go on, but in a new light that spoke of who I really was. I knew that I was worthy of something more. Right then and there, it hit me that I was a precious child of the Most High God. All of the years that were filled with hopeless doubt about myself were removed from my mind. Finally, I was filled with hope and a reason to live my life.

From this point forward, I never turned my back. I kept God front and center to straighten out our lives. It has been five years from this time in my life and Ohhhh … what an eye opening journey it is when God gets involved!

Since this time, I reclaimed my life and transformed into a completely new woman. My new perspectives changed my heart, and my everyday choices stemmed from love. The example I showed to my family was a great influence which brought us all back together again, and even better than before! The details of our transformation, and all of God’s goodness, are too much to share in one short story … so stay posted for all of the details as I share my testimonies.

Most importantly, it simply amazes me to know that even when we are at our worst, God can always change the heart of anyone who is willing to face the truth about themselves.

Create in me a new heart, O God and renew a right spirit within me Ps. 51:10

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