The moment that my husband had given up on trying to make me happy, was the moment that I realized my happiness was up to me. This was when it became clear that I was unhappy because of something missing inside of me … I wasn’t happy with who I had become, and because of the way that I was feeling about myself on the inside, I consistently threw my feelings of unhappiness onto my husband. I tried my darnedest to change him, instead of me.
I thought for sure that it was all his fault I wasn’t living the life that I dreamed of having. I convinced myself that something inside of him ought to change to please me, or else I would just have to leave him to be happy.
The ironic thing was that my husband always thought that if he could make me happy, I would change. There we both were, at a stand still, expecting one another to change, or else!
My husband fell into yet another trap of trying to take responsibility for my every need. He spent years trying to figure out how to make me smile, and how to make me laugh, as if my unhappiness was a reflection on his behalf.
You know how the old saying goes. “A happy wife, a happy life.” Well, maybe other men have fallen into this trap too, where they believe it is their sole responsibility to make their wives happy, and when they don’t succeed, they may wind up feeling somehow responsible.
Both husbands and wives are supposed to be an enhancement to each other’s lives, from which the happiness they already have stems from within. I believe that we are not to be a crutch that sustains each other’s broken pieces and call this love. We are not to step on God’s toes and play Savior to anyone, while trying to fill the missing pieces of their souls. This was the story of our lives and the reason why our marriage began going downhill.
I believe that it is in a man’s nature however, to want their wife to be happy. A woman who is happy will smile at her man with that feminine look of admiration. This will create a loving atmosphere that fulfills his nature to see his wife happy.
As for my husband, my unhappiness felt like a prison of rejection. He spent years trying to turn himself inside out to bring me joy and to see me smile at him, but the more he tried, the more I frowned at him. The more he tried, the more it frustrated him. To be honest, I was so miserable inside that I began to despise the very sight of his face. Yikes, it was hard for me to even write that, but I am here to share the cold hard truths.
The life that I dreamed of having fell completely short for me. No matter how many new things he bought me, it never made me happy. The more we tried to fill our lives with material things, the emptier I felt inside. By this point, he was completely drained from trying to make me happy, and we were both miserable!
We were supposed to be having the time of our lives, but everything fell out from the bottom. I was like the wife in Proverbs 12:4, who was a disgraceful woman that brought rottenness to his bones. This sounds so harsh, but I knew in my heart that this was so. God revealed this truth to me.
It was as if I wanted people to judge him for my behavior. I wanted everyone to think my unhappiness was his fault, because then I didn’t have to blame myself for my own misery and bitterness. This was why I had convinced myself that he was the one who needed to change … because it certainly couldn’t have been me … and this was the way that I insisted on seeing it.
As I began my journey with God however, boy did the tables turn! God didn’t stand there pointing out my husband’s shortcomings. Oh No! He revealed the cold harsh truths about me. So, I started to do things differently on my behalf for the betterment of the marriage. I had to begin by working on myself. I knew that I had to stop looking for my husband to make me happy and create a state of peace and happiness inside of my soul.
I had to stop making excuses for myself or nothing was ever going to change.
I repented for my sinful behaviors, and over time, I felt the hardness of my heart melt away and began to see things clearly.
For all of those years, I thought that when my husband changed, I would finally be happy … but, here is the clincher … he is the same man today that he was when I was miserably unhappy, and there was no amount of sulking I did that could have ever changed him. Rather, I changed the way that I looked at him because I was finally happy with who I had become. I was free to love him for the man he truly was because MY happiness became a place that lived inside of me. My happiness didn’t come from my husband, and it never would have. It comes from The One who created me to be the fun, loving, and joyful woman that I am today.
Heart of a Wife 