There was a time when I believed that my husband was the cause of my unhappiness. The very thought of this nearly caused me to leave him. I had it in my mind that if I left him, everything in my life would change for the better, I would finally be happy, and have the life of my dreams. I lived in the illusion of this fantasy for decades.
The turmoil inside of me was causing both of us to suffer. My walls were up, and it was impossible for him to get through to me. I had convinced myself for so many years that he was the reason for my emotional suffering. As a man of God he saw right through me, and knew there was a war waging inside of me that had absolutely nothing to do with him.
Even though I was convinced that leaving the marriage was the answer to my unhappiness, he knew it wasn’t. He didn’t force me to stay against my own will, but he prayed to God for me, and for us. He was patient as God gave him this instruction. He gave me space, and remained faithful that God had a plan for our marriage.
Right in the midst of the battles we faced a cold, harsh reality … our daughter was missing, and had run away from home. Even though I thought she didn’t know about my unhappiness, she did. I couldn’t hide it … and she couldn’t bear the pain of watching me suffer anymore. In her mind, the only choice was to run away from the problems, not realizing that no matter how far she ran, she had already packed all of the troubles right along with her on the inside.
There we were, broken and torn apart …
The truth struck me to the core … my unhappiness was the cause of all the problems. I was left with nothing more than a hollow ache inside of me … and the echoes of my desperate thoughts.
The broken pieces of my family’s lives were shattered all around me. I had no idea where to even begin to solve them, other than to pray for God to help me make changes in myself to become a better woman. Even though my marriage was estranged, and my daughter was no where in sight, this was the day for God to make way … and finally change my life.