When I look back, mostly all I ever thought about was falling in love. I had to really think back to remember when I began dreaming of my Prince Charming. It may have even been as early as five years old. This was when I started playing mommy to my baby dolls, when I started wearing my mom’s pink lipstick, and dressing in her high heels.
Why I ever thought that all mothers wore makeup and high heels, while they were burping babies, and changing poopy diapers, still makes me laugh at this delusional dream until this day.
I knew that I was like so many other little girls who dreamed of the day when they would finally meet their Prince Charming, ride off into the sunset, and live the life of their dreams.
That dream became my reality when I said, “I do.” We began as most couples would have, with the highest of hopes and dreams.
But like so many of us, I was simply not prepared for everything that would come tumbling down way too soon.
All I really ever had was the dream of the fairy tale, but when things got tough, I had to ask myself, “Did I really marry the man of my dreams, or was he just a fantasy of what I thought he would be?”
Did I just make up some kind of Prince Charming that didn’t even exist?
It sure began to feel that way … and it seemed like my dreams were way off base!
Everything in my life shortly after that special wedding day, began spiraling out of control. I had no clue who I was anymore. I thought that having babies was something that would satisfy my every desire, but after the pregnancies, I went from a size zero to the size of an extra bloated whale. The responsibility of my roles as a wife and a mother, were simply too much to bear. The days seemed never ending with a colicky baby crying all day and night. I was exhausted, lonely, and miserable, and wasn’t enjoying my life.
I felt numb, my heart felt like a deep dark empty space. It seemed the fairy tale dream had already died along with something that was missing deep inside of this desolate place.
By this time, I thought it was far too late. When I said “I do” there was a big part of me that was really just giving up on ever finding out who I really was, and why I was walking this earth.
A decade went by … it was all just a blur.
My life didn’t seem to turn out quite as I had expected it would. Marriage and motherhood only seemed to deny me of having complete satisfaction. My instincts knew that I was in need of something more. The dissatisfaction inside of me led me to believe that I wasn’t happy with my marriage … and I just wasn’t happy anymore.
My soul began to fill with hatred, because I regretted that my life didn’t turn out as I dreamt it would be. I had given up my entire life to raise a family. I thought this was what love really was, until I realized that I exempted myself from the equation of ever truly being all that I could be. I knew there was so much more in me that I never gave half a chance.
I know that I am writing this line for many of us … I was so convinced that my own happiness was just a fleeting dream.
My husband practically turned himself inside out just to make me happy, but the more he tried to make me happy, the more miserable I became.
I didn’t understand back then that I couldn’t love anyone else, without ever loving myself first.
I didn’t understand that I treated my husband as if he were some kind of god idol. As if he had some kind of power to fill the holes in my soul, to put all the pieces together in my life, and make me whole inside.
I didn’t understand that he couldn’t possibly love me ANYMORE than he already did, and my awfully high expectations, began to crush us both in spirit and soul.
I didn’t understand that he wasn’t responsible for every single need that I had, and most of the time this left my heart feeling like it was dust in the wind.
I didn’t understand that he couldn’t understand … I was feeling unloved all of the time.
I didn’t understand that we were supposed to be two separate people living for our own happiness, and that each of us were supposed to be an addition to one another’s lives.
I didn’t understand that there was a beginning and an end to him, and that I was not born to walk this earth just to be an extension of who he was, and never having a separate indentity with a life’s purpose of my own.
I didn’t understand that I was completely dependent on my husband to pick up all the broken pieces of my life, and put them back together again, because I had given up on even trying.
I didn’t understand that when I married my husband, I gave up on the most important person in my life, and that was me.
I didn’t understand that when we don’t know who we are, and are just pretending to be someone else … it’s a living suicide.
I didn’t understand that it would take me years to back my way out of a life that wasn’t even mine.
Let my life’s story be a lesson, and that if for any reason we feel that we should have to give up on ourselves for someone else … don’t call it love.
Oh, and one more thing. With the continued ever loving support of my husband, look out world, here I come!
Psalm 146:3 Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal man, who cannot save you.